What I’m Calling In In a Life Partner
An exercise in romantic intention and vulnerability
“What if you haven’t approached a single romantic relationship in your life with intention?”
Someone asked me that last month. Fun, right?
The worst part is she was right. I haven’t.
I was asked by a new friend, a successful entrepreneur who lives in Bali, where I just wrapped up a ten-country mental health and movement journey.
I mentioned that I’ve never had a “f*ck yes,” feeling with someone I’ve dated. I’ve never been proud to introduce someone I’m dating to my friends and family. I’ve always settled.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s been connection and passion and love, but I’ve never known, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m with the best possible life partner.
That’s what I want.
No more trying to build houses on condemned wasteland full of manure and rusty knives for me, no sir. I’m ready to build on a solid foundation. I’m tired of attracting lost puppy energy and becoming an unpaid emotional caretaker.
She told me the story of how one and a half years before she met her current partner, she wrote a list of qualities and non-negotiables. Then she stuck to it and didn’t settle, even though it meant being lonely for a while.
She read me the list, and it gave me chills. There was so much intention. She wanted to feel held. Passionate. She wanted to be on fire for love and feel feminine and supported. She wanted to be emotionally and sexually fulfilled.
She wanted to know she could build a conscious relationship with a great problem-solver.
Last year, she met her ideal mate at a Tantra retreat. She’s building it. She has it.
The whole time I sat there listening, I was chomping at the bit to write my own list. Having done that, I can report that this exercise was amazing, and I recommend it to anyone!
Here’s what I’m calling in (if you don’t like “calling in” or “manifesting” feel free to substitute “defining what I want” in your head).
Though it’s deeply personal, I’m publishing it because:
I feel proud of finally knowing what I want, and I’m practicing deep vulnerability.
If this personal challenge is a matter of public record, I can hold myself accountable :)
What I want in a partner:
She’s joyful without apology, not afraid to be happy in a world full of chosen victimhood.
The list of things she loves far outweighs the list of things she hates.
She’s far more concerned with her community and personal relationships than she is with “the state of the world.”
She challenges me and calls me out on my B.S. because she wants me to be the best version of myself. She’s not afraid to receive constructive criticism from me in return.
She’s kind and patient, understanding of her own triggers, and willing to approach healing them with self-awareness. She extends the same courtesy to me.
She takes responsibility for her own traumas and triggers and is self-aware enough to recognize when she’s being triggered and why.
She’s willing to take a step back in arguments and conflicts and doesn’t need to solve things right then, but is rather willing to give me time and space to think.
I’m proud and excited to introduce her to my friends and family.
She’s in touch with her body: far beyond being simply athletic, she’s embodied. She loves learning new movements, dancing, and playing around.
She’d rather be in the woods than in a city, but she’s comfortable in both settings.
She can tear up a dance floor, whether one of us is leading in salsa/swing or we’re dancing on our own.
She’s playful, whether that’s on the dance floor, in public, or in the bedroom.
If we enter a social situation, I don’t have to worry about checking in with her constantly and making sure she’s enjoying herself.
She kisses me passionately.
She has an unapologetic relationship with her own sexuality and sense of pleasure and isn’t afraid to explore it with me. She fills me with passion.
She loves to touch and be touched, whether sexually or non-sexually.
She can ask for what she needs without passive-aggressiveness or manipulation.
She makes me laugh and isn’t afraid to make fun of herself or me. She can make fun without tearing down.
Chosen suffering (hiking in the rain, long runs, cold plunges, camping, etc) brings out the best in her, not the worst. If I’m there these things bring us together, not drive us apart.
She’s not concerned with what other people think of her, but she lives out that ethos and doesn’t just run around declaring it to everyone.
Her self-talk is positive. She doesn’t indulge in self-hatred in a world that encourages it.
She allows and encourages me to stand firm in the most positive expression of my masculinity. She isn’t afraid of my masculine energy or positively expressed masculinity in general.
She’s health-conscious and takes care of herself, not out of grit and determination but out of a love for movement.
She loves to travel and explore new cultures.
She doesn’t believe that she has a responsibility to be miserable.
I won’t settle for less.
If you’ve never done this, and you have a decent view of where your past relationships went wrong (including your own role in their downfall) I can’t recommend this exercise enough. It was exciting! I loved thinking about my own non-negotiables.
What if you could be more loved, supported, and held than you ever imagined possible? It’s worth a try, right?
After reading your email, I realize that I had never been specific in what I want either. In fact after several relationships, some that I thought were good, including my marriage of 26 years before my husband died, I decided that I wasn’t going to look anymore, that I was fine, that I didn’t need to be in a relationship.
Your list is so beautiful, meticulous, and thoughtful. You have done the work to know yourself.
I am a work in progress and making strides in leaps and bounds. Maybe because I am alone, and I am not trying to make a relationship work so I can work on myself.
I was an enabler, I would take on others problems and try to make them better. I would sacrifice my happiness and what I wanted to make sure they still loved me.
There is so much more that I have figured out and I am so happy that I have and can move forward.
It’s just I didn’t think I would have a chance to move ahead with someone. I think I am afraid if I start a new relationship I will lose myself, that I finally found, again.
I now think if I do the work, make the list, stick to the list, there is hope that I too will find that someone.
If I don’t find that person, that’s okay too. At least I will not be with someone that is a “condemned wasteland”.
Thank you for sharing your very personal and very insightful list.
"LOVE IS BLIND"