Hey! Really quickly, before we begin, I want you to do something for me:
Don’t think about purple-and-gold dragons. Don’t do it! Don’t imagine their scales, their beady black eyes, and sharp teeth. Don’t imagine them breathing fire! And under any circumstances, don’t think of them flying.
Okay. On the count of three, close your eyes and DON’T THINK OF DRAGONS. Ready? One… Two…Three!
How did you do?
Phase Two
Now, don’t think of that one nasty little habit that you have, that you really want to quit. Under no circumstances should you think about watching Netflix for 4 hours and then telling your friends that you have no time to exercise.
Don’t think about how you really should get up earlier and lace up your running shoes. Don’t think about how you really want to quit pornography, because it’s hurting your relationship. Don’t think of eating the chips you shouldn’t have bought that are going to steal your energy.
Ready? Count of three. One… Two… Three!
How did you do on that one?
According to happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, this is how our brains experience that classic puritanical idea, willpower. Our desire to change something we don’t like causes us to obsess over it, setting us up for failure.
Here in the developed world, we see willpower demanded of us everywhere. The responsibility for finding happiness/ourselves is thrown on our shoulders. There are entire industries built on asking you to willpower bad habits out of your life, then selling you short-term solutions when you fail.
In the rich world, we’ve managed to engineer lives of such absurd comfort that entire NGOs dedicate money and time to telling the average American to “just… go move a little bit. Do something! Yes, we know that no private industry really wants you to move, but… It’d be great if you could maybe… Move?”
A perfect example of a failed campaign based around willpower is “Just Say No”. This was a campaign in the early ’80s telling those who struggled with drug-related issues to… Not struggle? “Just… willpower until you don’t want to do drugs!” This failed so spectacularly that we’re still dealing with the fallout thirty years later. It was never going to work.
It was a genius bit of marketing and buck-passing though, I’ll give them that. Rather than actually doing research to figure out why people felt compelled to take drugs in the first place, and putting programs in place to support them, The Reagan Administration neatly foisted blame on anyone who does drugs for their lack of willpower, then started imprisoning them.
Willpower is not a solution when you are demanding it of others without offering support. Yet as a society, we continue to demand it of those who are struggling, without offering support.
The Puritans were one of the first societies to embrace the idea of willpower. They believed that they could “will away” sin and sinful thoughts by the strength of their minds alone. These beliefs continue to echo in our society.
Here’s the thing about the puritans":
They were notoriously un-fun, boring people who routinely murdered members of their own community for trivial reasons. And they wore REALLY stupid hats.
You don’t want to be like them! I don’t want to be like them! Yet, we use these medieval ideas to inform our discourse around success.
The truth about willpower is that it’s a concentrated form of going “don’t think of dragons” over and over and over again. Certain people can make this work, and we love to prop them up and go “look! Dave stopped eating cookies on an average Thursday! He hasn’t had a cookie in 37 years!”
Great for Dave. What about the rest of us? For many, willpower is not the path to self-love or success. It is the path to bungee dieting, unhealthy weight gain and loss, shame, and self-loathing.
Why can’t most of us just quit with no help, by the strength of will alone?
Because that is simply not how the human mind works. A growing field of research suggests that to be successful at forming new habits or quitting undesired ones, we have to fight smarter, not harder.
This means removing resistance between you and good habits and adding resistance between you and bad habits. In the rich world, we hate inconvenience. To give yourself a fighting chance at quitting something, throw inconvenience between things you really want to quit.
Watching Netflix too late? Install a timed site blocker and shut it off at 10 PM.
Know you snack on crap late at night? Don’t let crap into your house. Disable delivery apps past 9 PM.
On your phone too much while you’re trying to work? Keep it in another room.
A few aears ago, I went through a period of high stress, working two jobs and studying full-time. I was having trouble sleeping for the first time in my life.
This was during a particularly phone-obsessed time in my college years. I would be scrolling through unproductive garbage until I went to bed.
Then, listening to Ariana Huffington on the Tim Ferriss Show gave me the idea of making my bedroom a “sacred space.” I decided to try it. I ran out and bought a cheap alarm clock so I could get up for class, without using my phone as an alarm. I started banishing my phone out of the room an hour before bed and reading instead of scrolling (I also spoiled myself and bought some nice pillows).
The first few nights were rough, because of the routine and environment that I was used to. I wanted to keep checking my phone, but it was in the other room, not in arm's reach. After three nights of transition, I was sleeping like a baby again.
The screen time had been hurting me. By adding inconvenience (who wants to get up and go outside the room when you’re cozy in bed?) I let my mind wind down at night in the proper way.
I’ve heard variations of this story from several friends. One (who had bought into the “no time to exercise” lie very hard), actually slept in her running clothes with her shoes at the foot of the bed when she was trying to build a running habit. All she had to do was lace up her shoes in the morning, drink some water, and head out the door.
She’s been jogging every morning for three years now.
If you were waking up every day, sitting up, and bashing your face into jagged scrap metal that was hanging out of your wall, wouldn’t you do everything that you could to remove it? It would be a lot of work. You might have to learn a new skill. But it would be worth it every morning when you left the house without a drop of blood on your face.
Sadly, most of us go through life bashing ourr heads into walls we don’t know we can remove.
The beginning is the hardest part, but a habit is a habit, whether it’s good or bad. Once it’s built, your brain craves it.
Think about this in your own life. Rather than just trying to force your way to success, how could you design your environment in a way that helps you achieve what you want to achieve? Is your room messy? (I’ll be honest, mine currently is). What does your living space look like? Could it be changed to better help you succeed?
I believe in you. But if we are going to live contented lives, we’ve got to learn to fight smarter, not harder. Energy upfront to change your environment leads to saved energy in the long run.
There are thousands of companies spending billions of dollars to tell you that you are not enough, that you need whatever they’re selling to be happy. I’m here to tell you are enough. Deep down, you know it. No more guilt and shame. Let’s build smarter, more intentional lives.
Willpower is nonsense. Your power is not.