“Our success depends on understanding who we are and how we come across to our bosses, clients, customers, employees, and peers.”
-Tasha Eurich
What is self-awareness? It can be a bit difficult to tie down. In her book Insight: Why We’re Not as Self-Aware as We Think, and How Self-Awareness Helps Us Succeed At Work and In Life, Psychologist Tasha Eurich defines self-awareness (after admitting that’s it’s a very tricky thing to define).
“While a precise definition is more complex than it seems, self-awareness is, at its core, the ability to see ourselves clearly — to understand who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world.”
People who exhibit self-awareness are able to look at their own behavior and tweak it, to produce better outcomes. They accept feedback constructively, rather than foist blame onto the people in their lives. This ability is critical, yet hard to come by. According to Eurich, 95% of people rate themselves as self-aware when surveyed, yet only 10–15% of us actually are.
Eurich likes to joke that on a good day, most of us are lying to ourselves about whether or not we’re lying to ourselves.
When you’re looking around for potential collaborators, business partners, and lovers, try to make sure they exhibit some degree of self-awareness. If you’re not careful, the people you allow in your life can be dark teachers instead of mentors and guides.
The difference between someone who gives you constructive feedback and someone who tells you that the deck is stacked against you can be the difference between life and death in your business, relationship, or search for happiness.
Here are 6 traits to look for as you consider letting new people into your life.
Self-Honesty
It’s easy to criticize others and to turn your cynical eye to the world. It’s hard to be objective about your own strengths and weaknesses. Self-aware people are honest with themselves about their shortcomings and honest with others about wanting to improve.
When meeting someone new, pay attention to how they tell their stories. Are they always the victim? A tiny ship tossed around by merciless external forces? There’s a chance that you’ll become the antagonist in their next story.
Conversely, are they always the hero? Both of these are things to be wary of. Look for people who tell their stories with nuance, who say things like “huh! I hadn’t thought about it like that before! You could be right.”
Values
Self-aware people have values and live by them. How do they treat those around them?
What do values look like in action? On her blog Art of Wellbeing, Rezzan Houssein defines values beautifully.
“You can think of values like guideposts. They are words that describe the things that are the most important to you. They are the things that your heart says are important, as well as your mind. And unlike goals — much more familiar terrain — they exist in the present moment. Compassion, for example, is a value.”
A great test for value-strength in another person is how well they treat service staff. Are they rude? Mean? Or do they approach others as equals?
To have values means to be a human of principle. Values are what remains when the chips are down, when every fiber of your being wants to take a shortcut. Values guide us when we want to yell at someone for screwing up, instead of teaching them. Self-aware people know their values and stick to them.
Passion
Self-aware people are passionate. When someone who is passionate talks about their area of passion, their eyes light up. They talk faster, and they just can’t stop.
Passion is also remarkably addictive. Listening to someone else talk about their passion lights a fire under you. To surround yourself with passionate people means saying to yourself “look, passion is ok to practice. There’s no shame in following my heart.”
Purpose
People who are seeking the best life they can live want to be the best possible version of themselves. There is no way around this. In her research for Insight, Eurich found two traits that self-aware people had in common:
-A belief that self-awareness is important
-A commitment to becoming more self-aware each day.
A sense of purpose drives people to be the best they can possibly be, simply to see what heights they can attain! Finding a sense of purpose in others can be tough. The modern world has a tendency to create apathy. Apathy in your social circle is a happiness and success killer. Search far and wide for people who exhibit a sense of purpose, even if they don’t share your passions.
An Understanding of Strengths and Weaknesses
Self-aware people have an honest understanding of what they do well and what they don’t. They are able to take an honest view of their shortcomings, and not only desire to improve them, they surround themselves with people who lift them up, and fill in their own gaps. They understand the impact that their strengths and weaknesses have on others in their lives.
“People who are high in internal self-awareness tend to make choices that are consistent with who they really are, allowing them to lead happier and more satisfying lives.”
-Tasha Eurich
Look for people who take an honest view of their abilities.
Humility
There’s a classic paradox in self-awareness research that comes up when researchers survey people about their level of skill in certain areas:
“Researchers have established that self-assessments are often flawed in substantive and systematic ways… the scariest part? The least competent people are usually the most confident in their abilities.”
People who believe that they’ve completely mastered any skill and won’t accept feedback should be avoided. There should be no bigger red flag than someone who believes they have nothing new to learn. Life is a process of growth, and the people who will help you and others succeed are committed to that growth.
To some degree, our satisfaction in life will be determined by the people we allow into it. If we’re able to filter people out at the beginning, our lives will be much more satisfying.
6 Ways to Spot Self-Aware People